Septembeard: The Bearded Bakery guest post


He has a beard and he bakes. He needs no further introduction. Please welcome my first #Septembeard guest post from Mike of The Bearded Bakery

7 Things people with beards have to endure daily 

So it’s well into #Septembeard Month and Ian got in touch with yours truly to see whether I’d be interested in chatting all things beard on his blog. Being a fellow blogger in the #malebloggers community and one of the more hairy faced of our group he wanted to see if there was anything I had to say in regards to all things hirsute and facial. And you know what, I do have a few things to say. I decided to really look at a few of the problems your typical bearded person may encounter while braving the outside world, namely from other people. 

1. “How long did that take you to grow?” 
The first question usually asked by the guy who has just joined in the beard trend when trying to make small talk at a party. He’s 2 days into his patchy growth of neck beard and already scratching. What he doesn’t realise, is that you haven’t got a clue how long your beard took to grow that long, because unlike him (who probably has some app/timer on his phone set off from the moment he made that world changing decision to grow a “beard”) you’ve probably had facial hair for longer than you remember, and in that time, it’s changed lengths in both directions depending solely on how lazy you’ve been over the last couple of months.

2. Facegrabbers
This is my face, why do you feel you can just… grab it? Or… stroke it? This is a genuine issue I had, particularly during my years in Leeds, where on a night out complete strangers would just walk over to me and either grab or stroke my beard. Why do you think this is ok? It’s not. I don’t walk up to you, grab your chubby cheek whilst I caress the other. Back off. Oh and you’re going to act offended when I have a go at you for invading my personal space? You are the problem with most things wrong with this world. 

3. “Don’t it get itchy?” 
”I just can’t get passed the itchy stage.”, said in a superior voice by someone who wants to judge you due to their inability to cope with, ya know, JUST TREATING THEIR BEARD LIKE ANY NORMAL HAIR AND WASHING IT. 

4. That one phantom hair that seems to elude any form of trimming, and is usually grey, or ginger. 
No matter how thoroughly you groom, or even if you deliberately chop it off on its own at a later date, there always seems to be one hair which escapes every form of blade. It some grows twice as long as the rest of your beard and is usually a different colour, but as soon as trimming happens, it blends in and can’t be found, laughing manically as it comes out of hiding just as you look in the mirror before heading on that first date.

5. Beard memes/Real men grow beards. 
Stop trying to make this about your thinly veiled attempts to hide your insecurities about what it takes to be a “real man”. Your ability, or lack thereof, to grow a beard does not define who you are or anything about your masculinity. It also doesn’t make you any more interesting than you were before you stopped picking up your razor on a morning.

6. “Peak Beard” 
Shut up. I have had a beard since I could grow one (just about). My dad has had one for my entire life, bar the odd few months when he’s feeling impulsive. Whether beards are in or out, I will likely have one. For me it isn’t about being cool, I am just plain lazy. Also, most of these “studies” are usually funded by shaving companies, go figure.

7. Beard Bros 
I have a beard, you have a beard. This is all we have in common, so why are you going to try and make awkward conversation with me? It’ll dry up pretty sharpish, go away. 

In reality, a beard is a beard. It’s just some hair growing on your chin & cheeks (if it’s just your neck, shave, shave now). It’s not a way of life, so don’t try acting like it is. Enjoy your fuzz, look after it regularly and remember, you are still the same person underneath. 

And hey, if I haven’t come across like too much of an ass and you want to hear about baking and me eating my way around London, come check out The Bearded Bakery.

Thanks to Mike for taking part. I'm only a little bit jealous of his beard because 1, it's pretty frigging huge and 2, it's not lucozade ginger like mine.

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